User talk:DeAndric
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the We Don't Speak of Michael page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 21:29, February 16, 2017 (UTC) Additionally I would suggest proof-reading and revising the story as I noticed a number of punctuation and wording issues as well as the story being unfinished. If you need a copy, feel free to message me. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:33, February 16, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:04, February 19, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story It actually did not meet the quality standards for the site. There are quite a lot of punctuation, wording, grammatical, spelling, and story issues here that really weigh down the work. I would suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop as these are quite a lot of things to overlook when proof-reading and posting a story. Punctuation: Punctuation missing from sentences or improperly used. "Listen man, I don't want any trouble. I'll pay it back some other time“", "„Who are you?“ I responded in confusion?" Punctuation missing from dialogue or used incorrectly. "Listen man, I don't want any trouble. I'll pay it back some other time(punctuation missing)“, "„Open it.(,)“ in a deep", " I have work to do.(,)“ Said (said) The Remover", "„Because I could.(,)“ responded the man", etc. Punctuation cont.: commas improperly used in place of quotation marks. "„Hey, you! You need to pay for these!“, "„The man told you to pay for your drinks!“", "„Get the fuck out of here before you get some more!“", etc. While it is common in writing in other languages, it doesn't carry over, much like Spanish upside-down question marks and exclamation points. Your previous story did not showcase this issue in dialogue. You also forget to end dialogue with quotations a number of times. "„Alright I will do what you ask of me.(") Grammar/wording: It's=it is, its=possession. "Black, torn robes incasing it's feeble looking yet immesurably strong pale body.","It's eyes which have seen every death and birth of every known entity in the vast universe, gaze into your soul with a deathly sensation." Awkward wording. "Each of those were people who wanted to stop existing, or were to evil to be allowed to exist anymore." Spelling: "A horrible creature as old as the universe itself, if (sic)has always been there, removing unnecessary things that taint the universe and cause the natural flow of things to fluctuate.", "he will proceed to remove you from the fabric of tim (sic) and space with the most painful of means.", "This man was a Catholic, so his soul i (sic) going to Hell. Take the lantern and guide him there.“, etc. There are a number of other spelling/wording issues here so I would suggest carefully proof-reading your next story. Story: The dialogue feels really unnatural and forced at times. Lines like: "Because... it hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to go through my life unnoticed, without someone to love and without friends. I want to life (sic), just not as the failure that I am now.“ and "FUCK! I WISH I DIDN'T EXIST! JUST KILL ME AND GET ME OVER WITH!“ feel very contrived to get the author's point across, but come off in a manner that feels very stilted/awkward. Story issues cont.: The characters also feel really unbelievable The hit-and-run driver is cartoonishly evil. "Upon entering the alley I saw the same guy from the other night, obviously drunk, laughing about what he did to that poor girl." The protagonist just randomly joins up with the Remover despite barely talking to him for more than a few lines. "But I can, however let you make a difference and redeem yourself and your worthless life. I will make you immortal. You will act as a missionary and, assistant of mine, you will guide each soul to their respective place, be it Heaven or Hell." It feels like you have this character (the Remover) and you're trying to get him into the story, but aren't addressing how someone would react to the supernatural, a massive change in their life, or their motivation. Story issues end: There are more issues here, but this is getting on the long side so I'm going to just focus on a few more. The descriptions in the story really need a lot of work. Lines like: "After those words left his mouth the instantly turned into a hideous creature enveloped in black, tattered robes, with an entirely white face devoid of any facial feature except for eyes and a sewn-shut mouth." and "He started by cutting off his fingers and ears, then, bit by bit cut off all the rest of his body parts (sic) until the room was COMPLETELY red." are really nondescript. What makes him appear like a hideous monster other than the generic sewn-up mouth and featureless face (two common traits in monster descriptions)? You're looking to make the torture scene impactful but it's told in a way that really doesn't portray the horror or agony that the man is experiencing so it comes off as kind of bland. I'm sorry, but in the end, this feels like a Slenderman proxy story without the characters. There's really no reason to become invested in the characters, the description needs a lot of work, and the story itself feels like a vehicle to introduce the character rather than an actual story in itself. Even if we were to ignore the frequent mechanical errors that riddle this story, the plot has a lot of issues which is why I decided that it failed to meet quality standards. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:21, February 19, 2017 (UTC)